My Personal Story

By Kelly

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Having grown up inside the Mormon church, I learned the doctrine, practices, and rituals and was a strong believer. I was always fascinated by stories of early Utah as told by the elder members of my family, who were connected within a generation or two of our pioneer heritage.

For instance, when I was a small child, I remember sitting at the feet of my great grandmother as she told of life in early Gunnison, Utah. She related how once, when she was a little girl and alone at home, an Indian from a local tribe had wandered into her house to  have a look around. Of course, she was terrified as she watched him move through the house. When he passed by a large mirror, he was startled and he stopped to have a closer look. After a few moments, he burst out in howling laughter at the image of himself in the mirror, and soon found his way out of the house.

This and other stories served to remind me that my ancestors of the near past were closely connected with the not-so-distant history of the Mormon migration to the West.   

At 19 years of age, I accepted a "calling" as a missionary and spent 18 months in Bolivia seeking converts to Mormonism.

Certain questions and apparent inconsistencies that I observed within Mormonism gradually accumulated. Through my early twenty's I passed them off as mysteries that would eventually be answered with more prayer and study. But as time went by, yet more questions surfaced and none seemed to be adequately answered. Regular church attendance, prayer, and study was not leading to a better understanding of "the truth". On the contrary, I started to feel that in spite of the claim by the church that it was the ultimate source of truth, in reality, the church seemed like one endless loop of pat moral lessons, replaying itself annually in slightly different form as new lesson manuals were published.

I had heard small snippets and whisperings of so called "deeper doctrine". Things such as Polygamy, Blood Atonement, Danites, etc. But these were never discussed at church functions, and it was clear that those who spent much time with such questions were on the way toward apostasy. And apostasy is a dirty word with church members. Almost nothing one can do carries with it the same stigma that apostasy carries, amongst church members.

Finally, at about 27 years of age, things came to a head. I had been placed in the position of Sunday school teacher for a group of 14 year olds. These were good kids. I'd known the boys in the group for a couple of years, since my room mate was their Scouting leader. I had helped with that program when needed.

As Sunday school teacher, I was expected to prepare a rote lesson from the authorized manual which is published by Mormon church headquarters. Unfortunately, I found that, while preparing them, I often found that they included claims for which I had no proof. Stories of divine intervention were taught to me my entire life. And I assumed that those who were telling me these kind of stories had confidence in them themselves. But teaching brought a very different perspective. Now I was in the position of perpetuating the same stories, as the rock-solid doctrine of God's true church.

Whenever possible, I would accentuate the moral lessons that were a large part of the curriculum, and pass over anything that I couldn't say I know to be true myself. Once or twice I did teach the lesson word for word as it was outlined in the book. In these cases, I only felt sleazy. I really felt as if I were letting down these kids that trusted me.

I was quickly running out of moral lessons to teach. There are only so many ways to teach people to be honest and treat each other good. In addition, I refused to be a hypocrite by repeating stories, as if they were truths, while I myself did not know them to be true. I stopped teaching and handed over my responsibilities to a substitute teacher.

My entire life to this point had been filled with Mormonism. I knew no other way. Yet I had some major doubts about many things I had been taught. Too many things did not fit. And too many questions were not satisfactorily answered. I had reached a point that I had to determine a course of action.

My solution was clear. I determined to look at the church from as unbiased position as possible. But how would that be possible? Mormonism was such an integral part of me that a detached assessment would be difficult to impossible. The simple answer was time.

It occurred to me that the only way that I would ever truly be able to weigh the evidence, and resolve for myself what place the Mormon church should have in my life, was to isolate myself from it's influence. Otherwise I might never reach a point that I could evaluate it without the influence of emotion, tradition, or obligation. I stopped going to church.

While active in the church, I had learned the reasons why members go inactive. I was taught that they fall into 2 general categories. 

First, a member might feel personal malice toward one or more other members for some perceived injustice. 

Secondly, that the member had committed some grievous sin that made them feel unworthy to participate in God's true church.

I felt neither of these. I was not mad at anyone, and I prided myself in being honest and strong.

I anticipated that it might take years, but it was very necessary for me to come to a conclusion and to end the mental confusion that I felt.

Some would argue that the way to evaluate the church would be to involve oneself in it as deeply as possible, in order to come to know it well. I knew enough about it. I had spent my entire life living it, and had given years of my life as a missionary, completely immersing myself in its teachings and requirements. I knew it well. I'd heard its stories. I'd lived it.

But instead of looking at counter arguments at this time, I insulated myself from any question regarding the church. It was a time to just try to forget it. In reality, forgetting would be impossible. But forgetting was not necessary. Becoming detached from it was.

In 1995, while walking in downtown Salt Lake City, I was passing a used bookstore and noticed in the plate glass window a book on display with very strange alphabetic characters, designs, and symbols, and an image of the Salt Lake temple printed on the front cover. I went inside to inquire, as I thought I recognized the character set from a movie I had seen called "Plan 10 from Outer Space". The movie was a twisted spoof on alien invasion movies from the '50's, with a basis in Mormonism. I had assumed the reference to the "Deseret Alphabet" in the movie to be an invention of the producer of the film.

What I learned from Will, the owner of the bookstore, was that the book in his store was an original copy of a limited number of books printed in an alphabet that was unique to early Utah. In the mid-1800's Brigham Young attempted to create a utopian society in the valley of the Great Salt Lake. His vision included the literal building of a kingdom. It would be governed by a theocratic, communist system with it's own law, money, and even it's own form of writing.

I bought the book, the discovery of which sparked an intense interest in this very real history of my community and my ancestors. They had lived during the formation of the Mormon church, and they participated in the actual creation of the "Kingdom of God", as the early Utahans called it.

Soon I returned to Will's bookstore and inquired about other historical sources regarding the Mormons. I was surprised by the amount of material available. Many years before, I had visited the LDS genealogical library with a church group and had seen the libraries full of early journals and microfilms.  Row after row of bookshelves containing church documents. It was an overwhelming sight. I'd come away with the conclusion that the amount of material was just too great for an individual to concretely determine the actual course of events in the history of the church.

Now I saw for the first time, the work of authors who had faced the gargantuan task of sifting through entire collections of books, manuscripts, journals, and documents in search of just what I was looking for!

From the first, I was interested strictly in well researched and thoroughly documented sources of information. Will was very helpful in my early quest for the real history of the church. The first book he recommended, he took from a closed cabinet. It was big, thick volume called "Mormonism, Shadow or Reality?" It was written in the 1960's by Gerald and Sandra Tanner, a married couple, formerly Mormon, who had spent endless time researching, writing, and publishing information about the history and inner workings of the church. Information not usually taught to, or known by the general membership.

Though I had never heard of them before, it soon became apparent that the Tanners were anathema in the eyes of active church members. And the mere possession of any of their writings was enough reason for suspicion, and sometimes disciplinary action.

The controversy surrounding the material of course made it even more intriguing, and I proceeded to study the Tanner's information very closely. I found the book to be well documented, with footnotes to sources of original material. Almost all sources are friendly to the Mormon church, and most are actual church scripture, books, newspapers, etc. I read each page with a sort of morbid fascination. So many of my questions were finally being answered!

And I began to feel that the church had not been honest with me. Ironically, after all the years of confusion, questions, and yearning for the truth, I was finally finding inscrutable facts about my religion, from a source that is supposedly "anti-Mormon".

My upbringing by good parents had taught me to be honest and forthright. I value those traits above all else. In fact, the church itself instilled the same lessons of sincerity. After all, I was raised to believe the church to be THE TRUTH, able to withstand any and all opponents.

As I continued through the Tanner book, I made notes of source materials and started collecting a fairly complete set of church historical publications. I wanted to confirm that the referenced claims of the Tanner's were indeed a part of the historical record of the official church. In each and every case that I have checked, the information is valid.

I also added other authors to my collection, and copies of early journals and documents. I learned of church reaction to such exposure. A whole industry had sprung up within the church to combat the "attack". Mormon authors such as Hugh Nibley wrote long counter arguments to the "anti-mormonoids" attempting to prop up the member's "testimonies" that the church is true. And an organization called FARMS was established, which attempted supposedly scholarly research, particularly in archeology, with the end goal of proving the veracity of the church. "Scientific" results and papers were published and available very affordably throughout the large chain of church owned and sanctioned bookstores known as Deseret Book.

On this page I will try to bring together some of the material that I found most interesting and useful in my search for the REAL Mormon history. This is by no means a complete look at the Mormons. I have referenced the sources and recommend that if you have an interest in the topics, that you refer to these sources.

Throughout the construction of these pages, I have strived to maintain complete historical honesty.  All quotes are meticulously footnoted with references to original sources.  If you have any doubt about a particular quote, please verify it first before dismissing it.  I tire of emails from people telling me that my page is full of lies. Most all original sources are readily available, either on the internet or in bookstores.  The Mormon church's own chain of bookstores, Deseret Book, is an excellent source for the majority of referenced materials, including CD ROMS with a vast collection of original books, manuscripts, etc.     

I hope you find your visit here both interesting and helpful.  If you feel so inclined, I'd love to hear any comments you might have, be they supportive or otherwise.

Good Luck,  Kelly

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